Lost

The high of being on an adventure is fading and my feet slowly touch ground again. Reality kicks in. I’ve been very tired lately and didn’t know why. Untill I stepped away. Spending 3 days out of town at the foot of Mt. Cook. And there it was… absolutely NOTHING. I almost forgot the sound of silence. I could hear my own thoughts again and they went Nuts – with a capital N. What am I doing here? What do I do after this? What do I have left? Who do I have left? What do I want? Sadness. Restlessness. Aching. Processing. Letting go. Or at least, trying to let go. To accept. Trying to be and to wanting to be alone. There’s no such thing when you live in a hostel. Surrounded by others 24/7 and doing nothing is b.o.r.i.n.g. There’s always someone who ís going out, someone that ís talking, someone that ís making friends, someone who is more social, more likeable, more fun, more beautiful, more active… someone who cán do it. And I can’t. Or maybe I don’t want to. How much of myself should I give everyday? Everybody is gonna leave eventually. Could be after a week, a month, half a year, a year. But no one stays. And it hurts to say goodbye. So how much do I want to invest? When is that pain going to be worth it when you compare it to the amount of energy you put into creating a bond? And will it last? Wouldn’t it be easier and safer to shut myself off and stay on my own? Or do I have to put myself out there over and over again with the chance of being rejected and hurt? Trying to trust. Trying to let it be. Trying to let go.

With love, Anne(lien)